Shameful Secrets

 After my recent epiphany about my mindset on being a sex worker I’ve started exploring other avenues of interes. I’ve started looking into doing some pro bottoming work. Not being 21 and 115lbs, this is harder than one might think. Kinda like breaking into porn… kinky porn primarily, tho I’d consider m/f as well…  but  I gotta think I’m more suited to the fetish sector.

I am not ‘model perfect’, I have curves, and I’m happy with them. Sure, like most women I’d like to be a bit thinner (really just want to get back into *those* pants…)

To clarify: I am neither fat, old nor unattractive.

Apropos of my desire to do some film work and ‘pro bottoming’ I’ve spoken with a few select friends. One of whom passed on my photo sites to a (spanking) client and asked about possible interest. Apparently he liked me enough to consider more.

My contact sent me the following email (edited just to take the persona out):

“One of our regular clients, Sxxx, took a look at your photos and is interested in doing a pro session with you at our place. He is primarily a spanking fetishist, but he has listed other things that he would like considered as well. I asked him to be very detailed, and here is what he said:

~ naturally the spanking—hand and hairbrush
face spitting—I spit in her face she in mine (negotiable if she doesn’t want me spitting in her face)
I would like to pinch her nipples—have her pinch and suck mine–
She can sit on my face as I pleasure myself at the end—would love a bare ass face sitting with me allowed to use my tongue on her asshole alone ( but that’s negotiable as well )

Now I am totally embarrassed~

Now, I have a few competing reactions to this,,,

First, flattered someone wants to pay me.

Next, err… this would sooooo not be a ‘bottoming’ scene for me. Looks mostly toppy, with a little switch throw in. S’fine, just not my deal… I bottom and can top (mostly service impact play.)

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe there are at least two, possibly three instances where this request crosses the blurry line of BDSM and solidly into the land of prostitution.

Again: personal choice. I choose to skip work that could easily get me arrested if seen.

And truly that reads more like a topping heavy switch scene to me… and, despite my desire and willingness to delve deeper in the ’sex work’ well, I do have limits.

No disrespect to those who choose to work as prostitutes, my limits are at the point where I can get arrested.

I was recently contacted about doing a m/f porn shoot much to my surprise, and have a friend who works in the BDSM porn industry who is willing to forward my infor to one of the companies she works for.

 So, despite my occasional bout of insecurity, there does seem to be a place for me in this industry, if I want it…

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That is what my roommate calls me. I suppose it’s true, in a sense.

I commented in my journal recently that someone who needs to ask if they can hogtie me is unlikely to get the chance. This was a mini rant about a sometimes play partner, and made perfect sense to those I’ve spoken to who know me well. However, I got a couple of questions about negotiation that aren’t easily answerable.

In a certain sense, I don’t negotiate. If we spend longer discussing what can happen in a single scene than the scene is likely to take, I probably am NOT the bottom for you. Or to be self centric, you aren’t the top for ME. If we are strangers and you want a list of my favorite things, I can’t give it to you: it’s simply too subjective a question. Unless I know you can handle a single tail, I’m NOT going to put it at the top of my list. same with cains, knives, needles, cutting, and a whole bunch more things that I won’t list here.

In another very real sense, every conversation is a negotiation. No, someone I’ve met at a party for the first time can’t know how to top me. If you spend 20 minutes talking to me like a human being we’ll both probably have an idea whether or not playing would be fun. If you want to play with me just cuz my tits are big, it’s likely not gonna work out. People who need to tell me how long they’ve been in the scene in the first 5 minutes of conversation are probably people I will walk away form. I’m not impressed. And, true, perhaps it’s just the only thing you can think of to break the ice, but that suggests you’re not going to be very inventive when it comes to play either. I won’t tell you how long I’ve been playing in the first 5 minutes I know you. No matter how I phrase it it always seems to suggest I’m either far more or far less experienced than I am. And if you ask me if I’m a submissive, I won’t correct your grammar, but I will tell you I’m a bottom.

I don’t set out to be problematic. I love play in a huge variety of forms. I am, however, pickey and spoiled.

I am picky because I know what I like. And by that I mean tops who Top, not people who negotiate a single scene for 20 minutes. Not tops who find out what I want to be pleased by. Tops who find out where my interests are and DRIVE a scene. I was also asked if I’d ever bottomed to a switch, and I have. Possibly more than I know. I never ask how someone identifies, and as long as they are driving the scene, I could care less if they bottom to someone else. All I care about is if they are going to drive OUR scene or not.

I’m spoiled because I have had the pleasure of playing with Tops who use what they know, regardless of where they got the information. Spoiled because there are people I’ve had the pleasure of playing with who will take what I say I’m interested in from an ongoing conversation and decide to use it, rather than asking ‘can I hog tie you?’ for a particular scene. People I will tell of a fantasy or desire and either use it or not. Finding out what I want and doing it, simply because it’s what I want?… it can be a lot of fun and I enjoy it, but I sure don’t feel ‘Topped’.

Yes, it’s pretty hard to come by these sorts of folks… I know three, actually play with two of them, and there’s a fourth that may or may not fit that criteria. There IS a fifth, whom I see but rarely and it’s a fairly narrow range of what our play entails. I figure I’m doing fairly well, considering.

When I play with these people…there are plenty of things I may ‘want’ from a scene, but whether I get them or not is up to them.

Just for the record, as I’m primarily discussing people I know and play with on at least a semi regular basis, Two of the above mentioned people I had never met the first time we played.

As one of those two said to me the first time I met/played with him: “Entering this apartment IS consent.”

I prefer to play with Tops who think along those lines.

That’s when I really enjoy bottoming.

And that sort of bottoming (for me) is the only way to get to a deeper level of play.

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I’ve been thinking/talking mostly in terms of sexual empowerment.

There are so many ways in which we can learn to dis-empower ourselves, without ever consciously being aware of it. And once we become aware of it, re-empowering ourselves can be theoretically simple, yet tough to do.

I’m thinking now of personal experiences with medical and dental personnele.

There was the OB/GYN who refused to give me the paperwork needed to start the process of having my tubes tied (a 3 month wait, in NY). She went so far as to tell me they were out. Of the papers. When I requested a full STD panel, including the test for Herpes, she stopped and said fairly cynically: ‘I suppose you want me to run an HIV test too.” I thanked her for reminding me. She never did give me the results of those tests, and I’m fairly certain, now, that they showed I have HSV1 (coldsores) which I apparently get onece in a purple moon, and miniscule enough that I took them for zits. Yet still, I’d prefer not to even unwittingly pass on anything to my partners, if that’s possible.

And dentists…well, they’ve been such a problem for me in the last 4 years. I’ve gone thru a rough handful of them, and all but been abused by one of them. I needed some significant surgery, and still have a bit to go. I had one dentist rudely tell me that the broken root on an extracted tooth was MY fault for not keeping my mouth open wide enough. And to keep my eyes closed so he didn’t accidentaly drop a needle in them while doing the sutures. His failure to correctly submit his claim to my insurance company cost me money, not to mention time and frustration. It’s taken close to a year to discover what the problem was, and rectifying it requires getting him to resubmit a full report.

And I was going to go back to that putz and have him do more surgery on me, because I didn’t really think I had a choice. Because finding another one was like starting over, and I’d already done that 2 or 3 times. I’ve been trying to get the surgery done for over 4 years. LITERALLY. And after his last round (which left me incapacitated for over a week) I was in a position of having to move forward, or possibly never being able to do so.

Well, I didn’t go back. I got another referral, and saw an oral surgeon. Instead of the insulting kid (yeah, he was younger than I) who treated me so shabbily, I went to someone who actually listened to me. Worked with me as much as possible and treated me like an informed adult with a problem he could help fix.

I had the surgery done on Friday. the second of 3 parts for this phase. I’ll spare you the details as I know that’s not everyone’s bag… Suffice to say first I had some teeth removed, and this time I had implants put in. I’d say this part should have been more traumatic, mentally and physically, than the first, however it wasn’t. And I think that’s simply because he knew his business both as a surgeon and as a human. The emotional trauma was minor….I won’t, as frankly it would gross most people out, s but some of what he did was actually funny. Then, I have an odd sense of humor.

I’m not thrilled at another surgery in 6 months, however compared to this it will be a walk in the park.

And I’ve learned a lesson…. I’m never again going to put up with the kind of ‘treatment’ I received ever again.

What troubles me is that it took me this long to come to the conclusion that not only should I find other doctors (that was easy) but that these were things I should have reported when they occurred. Some other woman might not have insisted on getting the paperwork, might have failed to receive important information from that bozo of a doctor. Someone else might have allowed that dentist to perform surgery…certainly others insurance hasn’t been capitalized on based on his incompetence.

I think that for so many years, in so many ways, I’ve felt at the mercy of our healthcare system, I’ve lost track of what little power I do have. I can let whomever is in charge know how poorly I’ve been treated.

And, more importantly, I can let that dentist’s employers know that it was his poor care that resulted in my taking roughly $20,000+ (that’s right, twenty thousand dollars)to another practice.

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Apparently I’m destined to pick up topping techniques regardless of my inclinations.

I have, for a bottom, acquired an interesting set of skills. I’ve no CLUE how to run a scene, but I know how to do a number of things. Impact oriented, all of it

Until now…

I spent 10+ years learning elements of various forms of combat and how to safely use them on stage and in film. If it requires aim, I can probably pick it up in an afternoon. The *mechanics* of it, that is. I also developed a knife fetish. But as that’s on the bottom side…

I make NO claims to anything more.

LOL. I’d been working with a bull whip for 5 years before I discovered ‘the scene’… The first person I encountered who did ’singletailing’  didn’t know what I was asking when I asked what KIND of singletail he used. I believe what he had was a 6′ American bull whip, and I’m reasonably certain it came from Western Stage Props at about $89, as it looks remarkably like the cheap thing I bought to decide if dropping 3 bills was something I really wanted to do. Happily, I’m relatively certain that at least at the show I was part of it never touched flesh.

My background is making things look real… whips, really, aren’t intended to hit.. they are intended to be noisy and herd cattle… (yes, there are other uses and exceptions).  The signal whip most commonly (in my experience) used in scenes was designed for the iditarod, as I understand it. And isn’t long enough to hit a dog from a sled on a bet.

Personally, having lashed myself (mostly in the face) learning to throw a whip years ago, the concept of someone striking flesh with one was absolutely terrifying. My initial introduction with someone who was entirely clueless knew less than I did about whips in general didn’t help.

It wasn’t until I attended a class taught by Dov (a stranger at the time, now a friend) that I saw how such an implement could be used with finesse. It was roughly 2 years before I discovered just how much I, personally, like *being* singletailed

So, to bring it back to my title..

The rope class I’m bottoming for. I walked out knowing the two ties taught cold, just from watching. I tried them a week later, when there was rope at hand, and they’re solid.

And, the real surprise? I kinda think it’s a skill I want to acquire and use…

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I had a small disagreement with a friend the other night about terms. He said (and I am paraphrasing) that we were saying the same thing, that I was defining things too narrowly, and it was all semantics.

Well, yes.

And the term? Humiliation Play. As applied to me, specifically.

 Which brings me to the impetus for this particular post: lately I find myself continually wanting to say “define ‘XXXX’, please.” Define: sex, love, intimacy, relationship, service, submission, bottoming, humiliation, etc., et. al. I’ve found myself tending to try to distill things to the purest possible meaning of whatever descriptors I use.  Not because I’m difficult, because I am trying to be specific. About myself. And because I know there are boundaries I’m interested in pushing, and think I’d better be able to be specific about what they are.

See, I have a 19 yearold’s penchant for jumping off the high board without looking. Luckily for me, it’s backed up with 40 years of life experience, so thus far I’ve always managed to find the thimbul full of water at the end of the drop. I frequently sound like I’m taking big risks when quite frankly I’m pretty careful about such things. Yes, I take some risks, but they tend to be pretty calculated, based on a certain amount of experience.

The BDSM realm is relatively new to me, although I got rather a crash course. I do know myself fairly well, and I’m constantly learning things. One of the ways I learn is analysis… and for me that means semantics. It means testing edges: physically, psychologically AND verbally. My take: the better able I am to define what makes me tick, the farther my limits are. And, yes… I see my friends point: the activities and kinks we were discussing generally fall under the broad umbrella of what would be considered Humiliation Play.

The discussion arose because I don’t find them to be humiliating. I find them exhilarating and powerful. Then, I’m not playing with things that I’m ashamed of. Perhaps, there’s a greater point to the conversation we were having: perhaps I am beginning to skirt around the edges of what I WOULD define as Humiliation Play; i.e., things that feel humiliating to me, at some stage in the scene, before or after.

Perhaps that’s where I’m headed…though there’s the added problem of a partner interested in such, with me, who has a clue… I’m not looking for therapy (got that covered, thanks) despite how cathartic a scene can be. I’m of the ‘conversation is negotiation’ mindset, and I’m frankly not big into formalized negotiations. I’m not generally interested in covering every possible permutation before a scene happens, or dictating a scene for a top to ‘enact’ (one notable exception excluded). No question, I certainly state what I like… and then I prefer not to be in charge.

 Given all that, I think I need to be careful that I know what I’m saying, and not blindly throw terms about like ‘Humiliation Play’, if I’m not really sure that is what I’m after.

Semantics? Hell yes.

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